Man Up and Dom Up ~ Answer Me

According to some recent blogs I have read on lifestyle sites, in the comment they have received, common sense is still not so common. There are still Doms and subs who toss all caution and logic aside when it comes to a potential BDSM relationship. The same people who would not hesitate to question and demands answers in a vanilla setting seem to feel awkward and intimidated when meeting someone in the lifestyle.

Some Doms scoff at a sub’s request for information, and imply that her lack of trust means she is not really submissive. Sadder still, some submissives believe this line of BS from a Dom wannabe.

Even if it is only a casual meeting for coffee in a public place and in the daytime, safety precautions should be openly discussed and agreed upon in advance.

A submissive can often tell a lot about a Dom’s character in his veracity by informing him upfront that she is checking his references. Whether she decides to do so or not, he is on notice that if there are discrepancies in what he told her, they will come to light. If he has something to hide, he can choose to come clean or bow out.

Any Dom unwilling to provide basic information, agree to precautions such as safe calls, and answer appropriate questions should raise a red flag to a sub. Real Doms will welcome interaction with an intelligent and responsible submissive. 

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Men Love Bitches

What is a bitch anyway? According to several online dictionaries, the consensus is that this slang term for an adult female refers to women who are spiteful, arrogant, overbearing, and obnoxious.

Wow! Why would anyone ever aspire to be a bitch? The answer is simple. A lot of men are not only attracted to and amused by these unpleasant creatures, they actually seem to dote on them. To other females (and some males) the very sound or sight of the word bitch elicits a shudder at the thought of encountering one of these she-monsters.

My most recent experiences have been with bitches who were trophy wives or girlfriends. Generally they were younger, beautiful, often surgically enhanced, and confident of their hold on the man they were with. These women are seen in vanilla and BDSM settings, and although they usually irritate the women around them, seem to fascinate at least some, if not all, of the men.

In talking with some of these men, it would seem they are not as passive and clueless as one might think. Some have admitted to me that women who are too polite and agreeable remind them of their mothers, grandmothers, aunts or Sunday School teachers.

In other words, too much sugar and spice in a relationship is just plain boring and is a turn off for a lot of men. Some will never admit it but will spend more time at work or with their hobbies. Others will seek out the company of loud and opinionated women who challenge and excite them. Even though they may not be able to tolerate daily doses of the extreme drama, these woman do seem to have an irresistible lure to men.

A good lesson for us less more polite females might be to let our inner bitch peek out every now and then. This should be done only briefly and in a playful and unpredictable fashion. Unlike some full-time bitches we don't want to overplay our hands and drive a man away, but rather keep him always coming back for more.

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Minding Your Manners

There is more to an M/s and D/s relationship than having hot and kinky sex. Most Masters and Doms require a sub to adhere to some type of protocol or rules. There are also different occasions of lifestyle activities that all have their own standards of behavior. Failure to abide by the accepted decorum can result in punishment.

This is something that should be discussed between Doms and subs, so that both know what is expected. It is up to the Dominant to set the standards, and ensure that they are followed. By the same token, it is the submissives's responsibility to ask for clarification of anything they do not understand. This does not mean they question the rules, but rather ask exactly how they are to behave or respond, so that they may avoid being disrespectful and disobedient.

For instance, not all Dominants like being addressed as Master or Sir. It is extremely important for a Dominant to convey the title or name they prefer. Submissives should be cautioned about calling all Dominants Master, Sir, Lord, or something similar.

Under no circumstances, should a Dominant be addressed as “dude, bubba, hey you,” or other similar terms which might be said in jest, but which show ignorance and disregard for their own roles and that of the Dominants with whom they interact. Submissives that do not take this seriously or do not comply with their Dom's wishes in this regard show a lack of respect and lack of commitment to the relationship.

Those who are owned and/or controlled by a Dominant should defer to that Domniant's wishes as to how to address others. Depending on the situation, a submissive who is single or unclaimed should ask the Dominant with whom they are interacting how they wish to be addressed.

Minding one’s manners can smooth the way for Dominants and submissives and can show the difference between those who take living the lifestyle seriously and those for whom it is merely a fantasy or a game.

Man Up and Dom Up ~ I Am Not That Bitch

Most mature men and Doms realize that people are individuals, and all have their own unique flaws and virtues. Unfortunately, some men are stuck in their past with memories of someone who has abused and betrayed their trust. They use these dark recollections as a basis for judging other women and as an excuse for refusal to make a real commitment.

By wallowing in the misery of their past, they hinder their own happiness as well as the one who is dependent on their love, acceptance, and sound judgment.

Having known some men of this nature, I can vouch for the frustration of giving your all to someone who still keeps you at an emotional arm’s length. That was my past, but it is not my present, and will not be my future. While I can sympathize and empathize with someone else’s pain, I will not take the blame for wrongs done to them by others. Being an intelligent, mature, kind, honest, and loyal submissive woman, I passionately give all of myself in a relationship. If a man or Dom cannot respect and appreciate me for who I am, then he does not deserve me. How can I give my trust to someone too bitter and cynical to trust me?

Sorry someone hurt you Bubba, but I am not that bitch. 

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Master Yourself

It has come to my attention that many men seem to feel that just because they want to boss or control someone, this makes them Dominant. When these same people find a submissive desperate and innocent enough to surrender their mind, heart, and body to them, these fellows are truly convinced they must indeed be Masters. Right? Ah, no, Bubba. Unfortunately, many have yet to Master themselves before seeking to rule someone else's life.

A submissive entrusts everything to a Dominant in the belief and hope that he will have her safety and best interest as a priority. She trusts that he will be mature and intelligent enough to make wise choices and decisions for them both as individuals and as a couple.

While one should not expect perfection from another, and misunderstandings and mistakes are inevitable, the submissive is in a very vulnerable position and has every right to expect humane treatment and conscientious attention to details of the relationship. Her physical and mental health is at stake.

When a Dominant has expended time and effort to Master himself physically, mentally, and emotionally, the formidable task of being responsible for another's life is much smoother, simpler, and stress free for both parties.

A Dominant who over indulges in or misuses food, alcohol, illegal or prescription drugs, or one who embraces a sedentary lifestyle has not yet mastered himself physically. He is probably less likely to have the strength or stamina required for day to day life, much less the intensity of BDSM play. Such a Dom is simply not bringing his best self into the relationship.

Dominants who think they already know it all and have nothing to learn, especially from a submissive, are not only dangerously ignorant and over confident, but they deny themselves and their relationships the potential to grow and flourish. What intelligent and vibrant submissive wants a mentally stagnant dotard?

Demanding, arrogant, and overbearing Dominants who have no respect for a submissive's needs and limits, and who brag that they have hot tempers are walking, talking time bombs. These are men who are always quick to judge and to blame others for their own mistakes. They are like spoiled little boys who lack the tools to deal with their own emotions or care about another's emotional needs. D/s and M/s relationships require emotional maturity and stability from both parties to be safe and successful, especially in a long term sense.

A submissive has responsibilities within a relationship, but the Dominant is always the controlling partner. It can be an awesome challenge and adventure for the right man who has sought to master himself first.

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Goldie and the Three Doms

Goldie and the Three Doms

by Heaven O'Shey

Goldie, a mature slave, was confused on some Doms’ actions towards slaves of her age. She decided to get the opinions of three different Doms, the young hard body, the older disenchanted, and the rare intelligent Dom.

After interviewing all three, this is what Goldie concluded:

While the young hard body did want an older slave and had a few things to offer, he knew that a mature slave could help him gain insight and grow as a Dom. In addition, this Dom knew most mature slaves were already trained to please. A problem for Goldie, is that she would be more or less training this younger Dom. To Goldie, it seemed this Dom would be more suited with someone his own age as they could grow and learn together. The one thing that most young Doms have to offer to any slave is hot monkey sex at the drop of a hat without having to wait on the little blue pill to take effect.

The disenchanted Dom, on the other hand, wanted a young trophy slave to show off and boost his ego and pride. With a younger, naïve, and gullible slave, he could feed her a line of BS and she would not know the difference. In addition, he may not have the confidence or skills to handle a strong, mature woman who has lived her life working, making decisions, and knows the meaning of responsibility and submission. What this Dom fails to realize that one day the young slave will grow and mature and learn that this life is not a bed of roses and become disenchanted. She will no longer want to take care of an older Dom with whom she has nothing in common, especially as his health and finances begin to decline.

Now the last Dom, the intelligent one, knows the score. He knows the value of what the mature slave offers compared to the young ones who are clueless to this life and life in general. This Dom wants a slave who knows what it’s like to live in the real world and knows the meaning of submission, service, and obedience. This is a Dom who will not only use her, but will cherish her and all that she has to offer.

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Wannabes

Man Up and Dom Up ~Wannabes

by Heaven O'Shey

Just because someone is male does not make him a real man, much less a Dom or a Master. Wannabes come in all ages, shapes, races, and sizes.

Some men have heard or read a little about BDSM, and seem to consider it the perfect way to find a sweet submissive woman to serve their every need, with some hot kinky sex thrown in as a bonus. As annoying as they can be, these desperate and persistent souls are not the really dangerous ones out there. True enough, their enthusiasm and lack of knowledge can get them in over their head in a hurry. Domly ignorance in BDSM can have serious consequences for a submissive. (More about this in a future post.)

One should beware of overly eager men, vanilla or lifestyle, which want to cam and meet before even taking time to meet a woman. A woman should also avoid persistent men who cannot take no for an answer when messaging them. It is unlikely that such men will accept or respect a “No,” a safeword, or a limit in real life.

Among the false Doms or wannabes lurk the truly malevolent ones. These are psychos who hope to lure unsuspecting women into dangerous situations, which can result in drugging, captivity, rape, injury, and even death.

BDSM involves consensual submission and slavery and should never be confused with nonconsensual slavery and human trafficking. Being in contact with a man who calls himself a Dominant does not mean a woman forfeits her freedom, especially her freedom of choice.

Good, experience, caring, Dominant men do exist. A woman should never settle for less. A submissive woman should take time and care to expect and require answers to her questions.

Communication and time are essential for sorting out the real Doms from the wannabes.

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Mistakes

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Mistakes

by Heaven O'Shey

The pressure of being responsible for another’s safety, well-being, and even life, as well as living up to the expectations of others, can be highly stressful. Being only human, Doms can succumb to the stress and make mistakes just as any human might do under such circumstances.

The temptation to ignore or deny these mistakes is one of pride and ego, and Doms must strive to overcome this strong impulse.

Admission of being human and capable of faults or mistakes is not an indication of weakness. Rather, it is a sign of strength. Unacknowledged mistakes cannot be properly dealt with or successfully corrected.

The mature and experienced Dom realizes that the importance of honesty and correcting mistakes is as crucial in personal matters as it is in professional ones. He does not seek to blame others for his mistakes, and even assumes responsibility for their errors when he is in charge and in control. He considers this to be part of his role as the dominant partner in a couple. The Dom seeks to adjust his explanations, guidance, and direction rather than assigning blame and punishment.

When the Dom chooses to “Man Up and Dom Up” he gains the respect and admiration of his submissive. 

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Expectations

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Expectations
by Heaven O’Shey

A real Dom will not tailor his performance and behavior to meet expectations of society, the lifestyle, or his partner. Rather, he will strive to exceed all expectations as he continues to learn and grow.

By the same token, he will not simply state his expectation to his submissive, but will patiently lead, teach, and guide her until she surpasses his expectations in her own growth and evolution.

His consistency, firmness, and calmness provide the secure and structured environment necessary for her to flourish.

In such a safe and loving atmosphere, even the most timid and insecure sub will come out of her shell and will be all that she can be. Also, a more headstrong and challenging sub can settle down and behave when she clearly knows what is expected and what will and will not be tolerated.

In vanilla life or BDSM, one must strive to assure expectations are realistic and are always clearly communicated to one’s partner.

Man Up and Dom Up ~ Responsibility

This is the first in the new Monday blog series. This series will cover different character traits of Man Up and Dom Up. This week’s trait is responsibility.


In Trust Us, Lance tells Clay and Blade, “Man up and Dom up.” Lance was telling them to quit acting like fools, and start behaving like the men and Doms they are.


Being a man and a Dom is more than being in control. It is taking responsibility for one who is dependent upon you. That means being there in mind, body, and spirit, in bad times as well as good. This involves taking the time to know another well enough to anticipate and fulfill their needs. It also means, being strong enough to make tough decisions and choices for someone else when it is their best interest, even when it is not in your own.


One that is accountable does not take on more than he handle. If he is not able to invest the time necessary for a relationship to be successful, he will not initiate one.


A real man or Dom accepts responsibility without hesitation, whining, or complaining. Being responsible is who and what he is, a man of honor who instills trust in those he cares for.